Washington Horror Blog

Character Guide

(last updated 4/7/2018)

Angela de la Paz:   young Salvadoran-American woman with a tragic personal history; previously worked as an international spy/assassin under the auspices of the Heurich Society; known in Egypt as "she whose gaze must be avoided" because anybody that saw her face died; fell in love with Aussie commando in autumn 2012, and he fathered her child before being killed in action; currently working for spy Charles Wu and answering her calling to fight demons; increasingly able to communicate with spirits and manifest supernatural abilities; agreed to give up her baby son to the Cigemeiers.  The Prophecy says she will kill Ardua of the Potomac someday, though some say the Prophecy changed at the end of 2015.  Saw in Dreamtime that Donald Trump and Steve Bannon sold their souls to Satan.

animals - evil:  The Beaver, catbirds, infected ducks, silverfish, millipedes, river rats, starlings, Ghost Pippin (Condoleezza Rice’s deceased cat).

animals -good:  pigeon doves, pure ducks, sparrows, gulls, ravens, donkeys, dogs, pink warblers, pink dolphins, squirrels, MegaMoo, National Park Service police horse Silverado (who can understand starling-speak and translate it to Sebastian L'Arche); pot-bellied pig named Petro Pig (can communicate with ghosts), the Gipper, the Gopper Ghost (deceased super-sniffing dog), Millie the helping dog.

Ann Bishis:  law school graduate promoted to chief of staff for Congressman Herrmark in January 2013; spirit animal is pelican; belongs to the Poseidon Auxiliary of the Old Dominion Boat Club in Alexandria; likes to pray to Hera, Glaucos and other Greek gods; arranged for her Greek twin cousins (Nick and Costas) to be Congressman Herrmark's bodyguards; witnessed the murder of Herrmark’s zombie chief of staff; once dated a D.C. coroner until he was murdered by the Zombie Caucus in the tunnels beneath Capitol Hill; currently helping run the Bicameral Anti-Zombie Caucus.

Ardua of the Potomac:  ancient and extremely powerful demon that lives in the river; both absorbs evil energy and bounces it back into Washingtonians; some characters know of her and fight her; spawned a baby demon named Eeteebsse who was ripped out of the "womb" by Angela de la Paz.  (Angela used Eeteebsse for a killing spree against misogynists in the Muslim world, but when Eeteebsse got too big to control, Angela trapped her in a glacier in the Himalayas.)  Dreams of becoming “Ardua of the Atlantic”.  Knows about The Prophecy saying Angela de la Paz will kill her someday.  Severely weakened by a coalition fighting her in late 2015, had to hide out in a pond on Donald Trump’s golf course in Virginia until re-energized by Nazis staying there and by the Election.

Arlington group home for the mentally challenged:   Leo Schwartz (psychologist); Vietnamese-American woman Hue Nguyen (MSW); residents Anne Marie, Melinda, Buckner, Theresa, Cedric (former member of Heurich Society), Larry, and Freddy Ritchings (AKA Brother Divine of the International Peace Movement, and host of the Church of Twitter); enormous brown helping dog named Millie.

Atticus Hawk:  Department of Justice apologist for Guantánamo and other aspects of the U.S. police state; DOJ's "Torture Expert"; had a stress-induced heart attack shortly before a previous boss committed suicide; has nightmares about Predator strikes and being declared Enemy Combatant; dated Barbara Hellmeister (as “Basia Karbusky”) before her disappearance, then “Barbie Bucephalus” after her return, until she was arrested by FBI.  Currently tasked by “General Sessions” with justifying sending immigrants to Guantánamo and sending minorities to prison so they cannot vote in the next Election.

Barbara Hellmeister:  scientist who likes to try experiments with her Nazi grandfather’s notebook.  Used to have a thriving practice under the name of Basia Karbusky, providing Washingtonians with drugs which could not be detected by security-clearance urine tests, but many of her clients turned into zombies.  Briefly worked as a CIA interrogator under the name of “Barbie Bucephalus”, in a secret facility beneath the Washington Times headquarters, until the FBI picked her up on an arson charge.  She escaped FBI custody and was holed up on Trump’s Virginia golf course with fellow Nazi, Ernest Ironman (grandson of Eichmann), until killing him (on purpose) and their infant (accidentally) after Trump’s election in November 2016.  Did plastic surgery and served for a time as Donald Trump’s mistress and Special Science Adviser at White House (as “Bibi Von Braun”); currently pregnant with a Hitler-DNA Trump clone.

Bo-oz Consulting:  secretive "5G" division of Booz Hamilton; won International Development Machine a secret $5 million project--which turned out to be egg harvesting from Afghani women, landing a few Bo-oz employees and the prior IDM president in jail; still advising International Development Machine to pursue amoral projects in the Third World—newest plan is sending foreign refugees to mine rare minerals on the moon; members include Fen Do Ping, formerly of the Federal Reserve Board.  Recently pitched to IDM a pilot program for using Europe’s 200,000 refugees to take back Crimea.

Calico Johnson:  Real estate tycoon and president of Caljohn Mgmt. LLC; lives in Potomac Manors, Maryland; has a real estate demon living under the porch; had crush on neighbor, “Basia Karbusky”—who owned a loud, bovine-narcoleptic cow named "Megamoo"; inherited Megamoo after Karbusky burnt her place to the ground and fled investigators; recently sold haunted house to Obamas; inspired by Donald Trump, got rid of his animals in September 2016; currently crushing on Ivanka Trump.

Captain “Tyler” (née Thomas) Glockmann:  A handsome young man with an uncanny resemblance to Donald Trump, Jr., in a wheelchair; recruited by Condoleezza Rice to use a modified backstory from his deceased war veteran twin brother to get a position in the Defense Intelligence Agency; advancing interests of Heurich Society in the face of dangerous Trump Administration.

Charles Wu:  Chinese-British double-agent (born in Hong Kong, fathered by an Englishman, mother is Ha Ling); his contact at the State Department was originally "C. Coe Phant"; his British contacts are Nigel (“Prickly”) Blackthorne and Richard (“The Third”) Mollington; his Chinese spies are Apricot Lily and Camisole Silk; his petroleum expert is "the Condor" [currently on the lam]; other intelligence sources include Angela de la Paz, Che Flaco, Che Gordo, Han Li, several Asian and African taxi drivers, and a karaoke aficionado named Slow Man (always wears yellow, carries a toy terrier, and takes meetings at Muzette karaoke bar); has robust operation at Federal Reserve Board; works frequently for former Senator Evermore Breadman (Prince and Prowling); reunited with his father (Charles Wilkinson Montgomery) and previously unknown brother (Phillip Montgomery) in 2010; parents briefly reunited until Phillip died; has a young daughter named Buffy Cordelia ("Delia", born October 2011); English governessMrs. Prudence Higgety-Cheshire; started his own PAC in autumn 2014; now owns 1/3 of Chinatown; in 2015, learned the truth about Ardua and joined the anti-Ardua coalition; using hacker “the Tarantula” for blackmail schemes; instrumental in placing an agent at Trump International Hotel to spy on the Russian suite.

Cigemeier family:  Liv Cigemeier works at International Development Machine, currently under a special grant from Charles Wu; Felix Cigemeier is a junior partner at Prince and Prowling; baby Lucas Felix Cigemeier was adopted from Angela de la Paz in March 2014.

Congressman Herrmark: 2008 Upper Class Twit of the Year; began crusade against the Halliburton loophole in hydrofracking after his parents' vacation home blew up from contaminated water; guarded by twins Nick and Costas because he believes Halliburton thugs and others might want to assassinate him; former chief of staff was a zombie, but she was decapitated/murdered in May 2012; currently a member of Holier Than Thou Caucus, but only to win allies; still thwarted by Prince and Prowling (former Senator Evermore Breadman, with assistance of Charles Wu, who has leverage).  In 2015, learned about Zombie Caucus in Congress and formed the Bicameral Anti-Zombie Caucus.

Congressman Jacques Javert:  Louisiana good ole boy who takes campaign money from oil companies but resents their demands; former owner of cursed Rolex (which encouraged him to kill off a few lobbyists). 

Congressman Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House:  Addicted to Thaitastic massages; does not know his Chief of Staff was turned by Zombie Caucus; turned himself in April 2017; now a member of secret Russia Caucus.

Dizzy:    African-American trumpeter who lived for many years in Urine Park (across from World Bank), then Lafayette Park, then on National Mall across from the Federal Reserve Board, now in Washington Circle; one of the few who have heard both Prophecies about Ardua of the Potomac; once gained possession of the cursed Rolex but sold it after it brought him terrible luck.

Dubious McGinty:   Vietnam veteran who lived for a long time in the 14th Street bridge's abandoned watchman's quarters and monitored/fought Ardua; knows Perry Winkle and has met Golden Fawn; has also seen Lynnette Wong and Angela de la Paz; knows about Prophecies and Ardua’s (temporary) retreat from the Potomac in late 2015; now moved by a social worker into Southwest Plaza, where he knows about the real estate demon there.

Dulles Samuelson:  son of deceased former CIA agent Henry Samuelson (but Dulles had actually been stolen from political prisoners and adopted out during Argentina’s Dirty War); brother of deceased Henrietta “Button” Samuelson; recently moved to Washington to seek revenge against whoever assassinated his sister; left insurance career to join FBI; learned about demons from Angela de la Paz.

Dupont Down Under:  home of the Freaks, who brought in The Beaver to build a dam against the encroaching federal presence underground; led by Fearless Leader; overcame invasion of the Hunter-Gatherer Society in 2011; guarded “Fat John’s Lake, a sinkhole under the city, until the methane build-up made it explode in spring 2015; now threatened by city-led redevelopment of the space, they have temporarily moved to the Anacostia River Tunnel Project.

Ermann Esse, M.D.:  old school psychiatrist who does not prescribe drugs; clients included White House butler Clio, John Boehner, Bridezilla, Atticus Hawk, Luciano Talaverdi, and "Didymus" (actually the ghost of former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara).  Recent owner of the cursed Rolex—practicing wicked psychiatry until murdering a patient and flushing the Rolex in February 2016.  Currently being blackmailed into working for the CIA, he is undercover as Melania Trump’s fashion designer (and lover) “Gunther Zimmer”.

Federal Reserve Board:  Italian economist Luciano Talaverdi; "Obi Wan woman"; special consultant Charles Wu (spies on FRB with robotic insects and listening devices in the carpeting).  Former Senator Evermore Breadman infiltrated FRB's rulemaking for the new consumer protection division.  Camelot Society meets at round table in the Research Library.  Sebastian L'Arche (dog whisperer) is occasionally called in to treat a yellow Labrador guard dog (Princess Buttercup).

George Washington University Hospital:  Jordanian-American man, Khalid Mohammad (M.D.) (wife is Yasmin); Filipina-American woman, Consuela Arroyo (R.N.). 

Giuliana Sunstream:   (idiotic) H Street “NoMa” lifestyle guru; former owner of the traveling cursed Rolex; has toy Maltese named “Vegas”; mistakenly believed her competition was Glenn Michael Beckmann until her Rolex magically brought them together in a twisted romance.  Came to her senses after he negligently gassed her and her Rolex was stolen.  Her blog readership took off after her arrest for guerrilla gardening outside the Justice Department building.  Added marijuana to her 2015 holiday party.  Hosts internet series, “Juice With Giuliana”, where she gives her (celebrity) guests beverages infused with marijuana oil.  Trying to Russianize/Trumpify her brand.

Glenn Michael Beckmann:  hallucinatory, divorced, murderous militia man, conspiracy theorist, and blogger living at Southwest Plaza; likes Pol Pot’s (Khmer Rouge, Cambodia) ideas on exterminating the lazy/parasitic intellectuals with soft hands and glasses; murdered Angela de la Paz's "illegal alien" mother, but has no memory of it; decapitated Congressman Herrmark’s zombie chief of staff in May 2012.  Currently running the Hunter-Gatherer Society:  "We are the Hunter-Gatherer Society.  We have existed from the beginning and will exist to the end.  Nobody can stop our right to hunt and gather."  (Sarah Palin was once their secret president.)  Business venture is security firm Beckmann’s Bad Asses.  Under federal surveillance since blogging for the violent overthrow of “Serial Creditor – Serial Predator” Federal Reserve Board; now puts his blogs in a code that makes them appear to be about lifestyle topics.  Paired with a phony “Ukrainian mail-order bride” by the Heurich Society:  Darja was actually a Russian posing as a Russian-speaking Ukrainian, until she was assassinated on the order of Dick Cheney.  Believes that he is the father of Bristol Palin’s second child.  Tasked by Ghost Henry in February 2016 with assassinating Donald Trump.  Now believes that Trump was installed as an alien overlord.

Golden Fawn:   Cheyenne/Cree/Delaware woman who works for curator of the National Museum of the American Indian; knows the legend of Ardua of the Potomac and has been fighting Ardua; breast cancer survivor (twice); married in autumn 2009 to Marcos Vazquez; foster mother to an alcoholic relative’s son, Joey Bent Oak; family bought a haunted house in Georgetown in 2014, and Angela de la Paz cleared out the evil presence.  One of the leaders of the anti-Ardua coalition formed in late 2015.  Recurrent cancer, double-mastectomy in early 2017.  Daughter Isabela Justice born October 2017.

Henry Samuelson:  died in May 2012, came back as ghost in June 2012.  Former CIA agent and member of the Heurich Society (Chair from January 2012 until his death).  Set up his own Ghost CIA; can be seen by John Doe, Cedric, and Angela de la Paz.  His daughter was Henrietta "Button" Samuelson, a realtor and property manager who took charge of Heurich Society until assassinated by Dick Cheney.  Ghost Henry wants revenge against Cheney, while also protecting his son (Dulles) from coming to harm on his own quest for vengeance against Heurich Society.  Frustrated with uncontrollable Trump.  Moved Ghost CIA into Trump International Hotel.

Heurich Society:  Its mission statement is:  “maximize wealth, power, and freedom.”  Holds meetings at the Brewmaster’s Castle.  Previously conducted Moon Township Plan, Ming Dung Plan, Project Eliminati, Operation Fenty, Project Cinderella (to infiltrate Project R.O.D.H.A.M.), Project Prometheus (preparing for global security problems of climate change), Project Third Way, Project War on Error, the Black Sea Revolution Project, Project Chimera, Operation Bong Song, and Operation Cajun Rice.  Condoleezza Rice is the current chair of a society deeply divided about Trump’s Administration; she is hedging their bets.

Holly Gonightly:  television reporter who's TFFT ("too fat for television"), struggling to break a big story; went undercover in Hunter-Gatherer Society, but her cover was blown in June 2011; found the cursed Rolex and wore it for a lengthy period until she found the apparently true owner, Dizzy in January 2012. Could have gotten her big break by reporting on Congressman Herrmark's human trafficking story, but decided not to after perceiving that Mia was now in a better situation.

International Development Machine:  Liv Cigemeier works there (she is married to a Prince and Prowling partner).  Momzilla also works there.   After president of IDM was removed for corruption, a strange replacement was brought in--Augustus Bush (of the little-known U.S.V.I. branch of the Bush clan).  Bush takes a lot of advice from Bo-oz Consulting--including a call center project for Libyan refugees in Tunisia (dollar per day), a scheme in Angola to build low-income housing to boost an oil oligarch’s political base, and using drug money to help Colombian children.  In July 2012, started looking at micro-credit to help women get into weapons business.  In spring of 2013, pushed Cigemeier to launch “Girl Hurl” social media campaign, which was wildly successful.  Cigemeier is now working on a cushy grant arranged by donor Charles Wu.

John Doe:  total amnesiac brain-damaged from a vicious gang attack; refuses to acknowledge former identity despite incontrovertible proof; now diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy, he has seizures accompanied by spiritual visions; has also spoken in tongues on occasion; received helping dog Lucky Charm from Sebastian L'Arche; in 2011, decided (incorrectly) he's an autistic-mystic-shaman; in 2012, had a vision of a new prophecy, and it turned out to be about the ghost of Henry Samuelson; occasionally used by Ghost Henry to communicate with others.

Judge Sowell Ame:  Jerk of the Superior Court of the District of Columbia, appointed September 2007; lives in a haunted (and rat-infested) house in upper Georgetown; lazy and cowardly, he likes to neglect his docket cases as long as possible.

Lynnette Wong:  Chinatown herbalist--sells herbs to former Senator Evermore Breadman for his colon; father died trying to stop Ardua; frequently brings amulets to terrorize Ardua; recession forced her to accept Charles Wu's financial investment in her business even though she distrusts his politics and actions; complex relationship with Wu, Wu’s daughter, and Angela de la Paz; part of the anti-Ardua coalition in late 2015.

Marcos Vazquez:    Puerto Rican Coast Guard officer; has encountered Ardua while diving in the Potomac, and is one of the few who have heard the Prophecy about Ardua of the Potomac; married to Golden Fawn in autumn 2009; once suffered amoebas in the brain caused by Ardua; he and wife have an adopted son, Joey Bent Oak; family purchased a haunted house in Georgetown in 2014, and Angela de la Paz cleared out its evil presence; part of anti-Ardua coalition in late 2015; rheumatoid arthritis suffering mother Teresa now lives with them.  Daughter Isabela Justice born October 2017.

National Arboretum:  Indian-American Dr. Devi Rajatala (botanist); Friendship Gardeners; Jai Alai (gift shop manager); donkey named Rani; Angela de la Paz and her mother temporarily hid out there until the mother was murdered.

N.U.T.T.Y.: Nannies United to Take Y Chromosomes [trying to steal the men they work for from their wives].

Perry Winkle:  "Metro" reporter for the Washington Post; has interviewed and befriended Dubious McGinty; also questioned Golden Fawn; witnessed the decapitation murder of Herrmark’s (zombie) chief of staff in May 2012; likes to run “urban guerrilla” field trips for D.C. adolescents; put on sabbatical after pitching story to editor about a supernatural event he witnessed on Capitol Hill; returned to town and work on anti-hallucination medication, but then saw Angela de la Paz slay a demon in Metro tunnel; currently cultivating White House sources, many of whom tell him about ghosts.

pink dolphins:  spirits of the [extinct] Yangtze River freshwater dolphins, accidentally summoned by Lynnette Wong, Angela de la Paz swims with them.

pink warblers:  spirits that come to Golden Fawn in her sleep; Angela sees them awake, and Dr. Rajatala has occasionally seen them.

Prince & Prowling:  evil corporate law firm populated by—(1) junior partner Bridezilla; (2) junior partner Felix Cigemeier; (3) Chloe Cleavage, a staff attorney who maintains position through sex scandal blackmail (cousin is actress Chloris Cleavage); (4) unscrupulous former Senator Evermore Breadman (more and more dependent on spy Charles Wu--even asked him to go to Switzerland for a fecal transplant to introduce "helpful bacteria" into Breadman's problematic colon); and (5) Laura Moreno, briefly a staff attorney after suffering for years as a temp, but demoted again to contract attorney after resisting Breadman’s sexual overtures.  Prince & Prowling has had an office in Beijing since August 2008.  (Rival law firms are Goode Peepz law firm and Lye, Cheit, and Steele.)  Currently serving as outside counsel to understaffed, over-sued, Justice Department.

Reiki Triplets:  Calcium, Magnesium, and Sassafras (Cal, Maggie, and Sassy)—identical triplets named after pregnancy supplements their mother took while living in a California commune.  Their father, now “Ghost Dennis”, died mysteriously (was murdered) in White House during end of Nixon Administration.  Sassy has musician husband and two young kids; Maggie is divorced with a kid in college; Calcium never married.  Currently running a reiki practice from their large house on Capitol Hill-clients include Charles Wu, Giuliana Sunstream, and Atticus Hawk.  Their chi healing gift was affected by ghosts in the house—at first partially malevolent, but now “defanged” and fused into the Siamese Triplet Ghosts.

ROLEX:  A cursed timepiece ever since its original owner (Donald Rumsfeld, who received it from Dick Cheney) lost it in the haunted Potomac River.  After the demon-controlled Beaver returned it to dry land, it has been found, claimed, and re-gifted by a number of serially cursed wearers, including:  spy Charles Wu, former Senator Evermore Breadman, realtor Calico Johnson, Fearless Leader of the Dupont Down Under Freaks, TV reporter Holly Gonightly, homeless trumpeter “Dizzy”, FRB economist Luciano Talaverdi, Prince and Prowling junior partner Bridezilla, lifestyle blogger Giuliana Sunstream, Congressman Jacques Javert of Louisiana, psychiatrist Ermann Esse, DC Water employee Kevin “Monkey” Mundy, and White House security officer Randy “Bubba” Blaylock.  Currently owned by CIA Director Mike Pompeo.

S.E.A.:  Sense of Entitlement Anonymous (D.C. Chapter).  Members include Judge Sowell Ame, realtor Calico Johnson, Bridezilla, Dick Cheney, Luciano Talaverdi, John Boehner, the members of N.U.T.T.Y., three former members of the FISA Court, Chief Justice John Roberts, Justice Neil Gorsuch, and Ivanka Trump. 

Sebastian L'Arche:  African-American native Washingtonian; former Army Reservist in Iraq; now works as a pet courier, dog walker, animal whisperer, and rat killer (with the help of a Congressman's rat terrier named "the Gipper"); instrumental in helping White House dog Bo overcome his fear of ghosts and water.  Now assisted by Becky Hartley from Texas (a pharmaceutical representative whose father is a pet Prozac veterinarian in Dallas); Hartley is now conducting pet weddings and funerals to earn more money to help L'Arche expand his whispering services; in 2013, she learned animal acupuncture.  L’Arche joined anti-Ardua coalition in late 2015.

The Seekers:  Jesuit-led secret ecumenical society in Georgetown searching for meaning of everything; currently running clandestine operation to de-program Trump supporters from the Cult of Trump.

The Shackled:  ghosts of slaves that died at Ardua's hands en route to the Georgetown auction block; after dwelling on the docks for centuries, decided their souls can't move on until Ardua is defeated--a message they are taking to house ghosts all over the city.

Southwest Plaza:  Apartment complex cursed by a real estate demon.  Most afflicted current resident is Glenn Michael Beckmann; less afflicted is Dubious McGinty.  (Former residents included Golden Fawn, Marcos Vazquez, and Chloe Cleavage.)

State Department:  Assistant Deputy Administrator for Purging the Deep State at State (AKA, “the Purger”). "C. Coe Phant" (an agent for Charles Wu).  A few years of success with Project R.O.D.H.A.M. (Reserve Officers Deployed to Hunt Armed Misogynists) gave Wu an in, but it’s constantly tested.

The Warrior:  Powhatan over 400 years old; ancestor of Golden Fawn; one of the few who know the Prophecies about Ardua of the Potomac; occasionally watches over Angela de la Paz and does other acts of goodness; joined anti-Ardua coalition in late 2015.

White House:  HIV-positive butler named Clio; Clio's pre-schooler ghost twins Reggie & Fergie (Regina & Ferguson); gardener Bridge (can see them and other ghosts, including Ghost Dennis); Stephen Miller’s security guard Randy "Bubba" Blaylock (now reporting to CIA).